


The Castle of Avalon

by DrJackAndMissJo



Series: Balinor's weekly reviews [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Chefs, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Food Critic, Food Review, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-09 03:44:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20846996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrJackAndMissJo/pseuds/DrJackAndMissJo
Summary: Good Monday to all of you, readers.This week I am going to talk to you about a location dear to my heart."Why is it so dear to you, Balinor?" one might ask.Simple: I  hosted the reception to my own wedding there.





	The Castle of Avalon

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
As always, I do not own shit.  
This is written specially for the @marrymerthurmonth and I really have to thank them all for the inspo cause yeah!  
Anyway, hope you like it  
( ꈍᴗꈍ)

Good Monday to all of you, readers. 

This week I am going to talk to you about a location dear to my heart. I've been putting off publishing this review, between ups and downs, to not have anyone figure out my identity and I believe it is time to share my high praises and dirty critiques for  _ The Castle of Avalon _ , the ancient manor turned resort that is usually the host of all the big events that happen here in Camelot. 

_ "Why is it so dear to you, Balinor? _ " one might ask. At first I was going to downplay the emotional attachment I have over this particular place, since I have indeed gathered enough to review this venue during the various ceremonies that take place near the clearly enchanting lake, but one of my editors told me, and I quote verbatim, " _ don't you even effing dare do that, Balinor" _ , due to the fact that  _ "sentimentalism sells like ice creams on a hot day" _ . Can't argue with that logic since it pays the bills. 

In a time past not truly well specified, that could go anywhere from last week to 9 years and three quarters ago, I hosted the reception to my own wedding there. I deeply apologise to all the hearts I just shattered with that sentence; I have read several comments online from people of all genders and sexualities claiming  _ 'crushes' _ on me despite not knowing my identity, and despite me being apparently a " _ demon straight sent from Hell to torture the culinary circles of Camelot" _ , yet unfortunately for you all I tied the knot and it's not getting loose the slightest. 

Although my purposefully remaining genderless partner is the luckiest among the two of us, they definitely have the best spouse. 

Due to the fact that I am, what many would call, a  food snob , we left the menu entirely in the practical hands of the staff of the  _ Castle _ , otherwise we would've remained stuck on that topic for ages. Which is one of the main reasons we put off the wedding for as long as we have. We opted for one of each option, carnivore, vegetarian, and other diets and various cults, and they gave us their most common combination of food, again to maintain some secrecy. And also because my spouse wanted " _ normal _ " food and nothing too exotic nor fancy nor uncommon. 

What can I say, I married a basic bitch with trademark. They even order pumpkin everything come Autumn. It has been driving me insane for as long as we have been together. 

The location was, obviously, beyond gorgeous, the scenery from the various rooftops and tourettes was incredibly breathtaking and the warm inside matched the view of the lake wonderfully. Their interior designer must've studied colour theory, because I don't think those contrasts would've worked just for anybody. My researches led me to a family owned company that designs their own furnitures and masterfully decorates spaces, and I thought it would be nice to therefore give a shout-out to the  _ 'Master Smith designs' _ , brother and sister store that assembled the entire castle from scratch. Except for the old medieval armours and the tapestries, those have apparently been there since the dawn of time, and particularly a few of them in the most unused corners hadn't seen a dusting coat since the discovery of the Americas. I was told that it was the brother who studies colour theory and I applaud him, Great Job, Mr Elyan Smith! Apparently his sister Gwen restored all the armours and I do not believe she would appreciate the state her hard work is in. 

The harmony between the original stone structure with the new additions made everything flow easily to the eye, creating the most wondrous of the illusions. It almost felt like time was mixing on itself in a temporal paradox straight out of Doctor Who. If that was the intended effect, I am not aware of, but it was nice nevertheless. Wouldn't have minded either having Peter Capaldi or Jenna Coleman to come out during the reception or a inconspicuous blue phone box to appear out of nowhere, to be honest.

Due to the occasion, the whole ambient was decorated with whites and gold, with the occasional neverending dreadful peach sprunting from every corner. " _ It'll look good _ " my spouse had said, " _ you know you can trust me!" _ , but I definitely should've known better than following their lead around decorations. Their former apartment was a mess, organized alright, but in a crash of colours that hurt my eyes everytime I went to visit. Thankfully when we moved in together I held the reins rather tightly otherwise I'd have to settle for magenta coloured walls and a stained glass window to rival a cathedral's. They do not have taste. Not even a millimeter of it. Unless it's in partners, which they do have considered it's me.

Despite the occasional turbulence in the arrangements of the flowers and the centerpieces, which were not properly positioned in the middle of the table but slightly off centered, the layout of the dining hall was spotless. (I lost a bet to my spouse and therefore I have to say that I am, and quote, '_anal_ _about those things'_). I talked with the room director about those issues and were immediately fixed without a fuss, thankfully. The cream napkins were folded on top of the plates and the glasses were spotless, so no major insight about it all. I was unfortunately far too preoccupied with the centerpieces to notice anything amiss, but reliable sources confirmed me that everything was indeed in its proper place. Forks and knives aligned properly and each name tag had been placed nicely next to the water glasses.

Now, onto the real reason we're here today.  _ "How was the food?" _

Well, let me start by saying that I am slightly biased, but that does not cloud my judgment and I have, in fact, the confirmation of many witnesses that reported back the nature of the meals, to maintain my objectivity. 

The appetizers were served in proper buffet style, as it is used nowadays, in a grand room adjacent to the main hall were we held the rest of the reception. There were small coffee tables and various chairs for our guest to rest upon while eating their little meals and there was accompanying classical music that filled the air.

We had four different kinds of appetizers, because we are pretentious people, so bear with me as I describe them all.

First we had a chickpeas and cod cream decorated with arugula on top of a savoury toasted slice of fresh bread. The cream had a very smooth consistency, not too much watery but not even as dense as concrete. It would've been the perfect consistency were it not for the occasional unblended piece of chickpea that ruined the effect. I personally found it on my own toast and I can guarantee you, it didn't feel nicely. The bread was also simply toasted, without any added butter or garlic. Too bad they didn't add garlic to the bread, for it would've made the taste of the simple dish much better.

Second we had chicken croquettes breaded in chips, accompanied by guacamole and Greek yogurt. Basically a glorified nugget that was presented on small plates with fancy dippers by the said. Would've gotten a better deal at McDonald's, the chicken was cold and the breading was loose and everywhere. They truly wasted a good pack of chips on that.The dippings were nice, but one cannot expect a terrible guacamole on this time and day, right?

Third we have the usual tray of meats and cheeses. Nothing much to say there for the majority was not directly made at  _ the Castle _ and was imported by third parties. What can I say, great job to the butchers and the manufacturers and the breeders for their rather excellent  _ prosciutto _ and  _ salame _ . The cheeses also were excellent, many of them of French origin and, even though a few had a peculiar odor, none of our guests truly complained, choosing instead to savour their unique flavours. Of course my spouse refused to kiss me after a particular smelly piece of  _ Camembert _ until I washed my mouth down with a glass of sparkling wine, and I then proceeded to purposefully eat another mouthful just to spite them. They did kiss me nevertheless, not to worry.

Fourth we had a mixture of four  _ bruschette, _ each with a different topping: one was simple tomato and basil, another eggplant and balsamic vinegar, the other with an olive paté and the last one was with mushrooms and curated chili oil. The first one was rather basic to my taste, just enough extra virgin olive oil and salt not to overwhelm the senses, but many seemed to love it just for those underwhelming properties. The second one was totally the opposite: an explosion of taste, paired with tiny freckles of granulated salt that exalted the flavour of the eggplant, which was simply roasted, skinned and cut to tiny slices. The vinegar gave it also a specific kick that did not hurt in the slightest. Needless to say I was a fan immediately and helped myself twice on them. I stayed away from the third type, not a great fanatic of olives myself, but many reported to me that it was dry as a cardboard, the paté lacking moisture and being downright flavourless. The fourth one was another revelation. The local mushrooms had been collected the evening prior and had spend the day marinating in the spicy oil, to be then slightly roasted and cut into small cubes that were perfect for the bite size dish. Usually, when cooking with mushrooms, one must be careful not to cook them for too long, otherwise they become hard as stone, or for too little, otherwise they remain raw and potentially dangerous and really really bad. This wasn't the case, they were cooked masterfully and were served still hot from the stove, which is something I've always liked.

For the first type of the mains we went with two different species of pastas, first a classic  _ spaghetti _ with a cream of nuts, mushrooms and  _ pecorino _ cheese, and then with some  _ mezze maniche  _ with  _ ragù, besciamella  _ and smoked  _ scamorza _ . The spaghetti were a little bit on the raw side, understandably due to the fact that the kitchen wanted to play on the safe side with the many guests we had. The sauce was creamy and light, again the same mushrooms soaked in chili oil giving it all a flavour that was not drowned by the cheese but rather accompanied it masterfully. It was then sprinkled on top with grated nuts, probably remains from the sauce, and it added a much needed  _ cranch _ effect that elevated the dish truly. The  _ mezze maniche _ were cooked on the oven, in a similar way to  _ lasagna _ , albeit not stratified horizontally but rather vertically, filled with tiny little pockets of sauce. I personally inquired the amount of time the  _ ragù _ had been cooked and I was really disappointed to know it had been for less that four hours. Typical Italian  _ ragù _ is supposed to brew for at minimum five to seven hours, frying lightly the various meats with onions and then adding the tomato paste. Truly a shame. The  _ scamorza _ was store bought and added a nice contrast to the "slow" cooked sauce and the  _ besciamella _ was homemade and lacked salt. Overall, the entire dish lacked salt, which downgraded the entire experience.

For the remaining mains we had various types of grilled meats and roasted vegetables and a beef tartare, infused with fresh orange juice and zest, served on top of a orange slice with balsamic vinegar on top. " _ The perfect mixture between my style and your pretentious ass, Balinor"  _ one of our groomsmen/bridesmaids said to me when they read the menu. The first part was easily enough, and incredibly hard to mess up I'd say, considering it was all medium cooked. Sadly, the meats were incredibly underwhelming and lacked seasoning. I was expecting more flavour and receive little salt and less pepper than I'd liked. Fortunately the vegetables were excellent and balanced the meal properly. The tartare was, of course, raw and many guests found it discomforting, but that is due to their lack of culinary knowledge, but as soon as they tasted it, they all became immediate fans. The idea was new and refreshing, exactly what we needed after such a long meal. The contrast between the meat and the orange juice was light and spot on, no one had a single critique over it, if not for the fact that it was, indeed, raw. 

The meats were then accompanied by light salads and and baked potatoes, which were golden brown on the outside and well cooked on the inside. I suppose they were parboiled. They were also unseasoned but not too bland.

And now, onto desserts. We moved to the room where we had our appetizers, finding that the tables had been cleaned and the food replaced: there were bricks of chocolate ice cream already sliced, the caramel filling with pieces of salt being the  _ pièce de la résistance _ , giving the stark contrast between salty and sweet; then a lemon flavoured  _ semifreddo _ that had more vodka that anticipated, garnished with fresh berries and some mint leaves; and finally a tiramisu infused with lavender that had many enamoured over. I personally saw an old lady kick and bully her husband into giving her his slice also.

Then, of course, there was the wedding cake, but, since it was not made by the competent albeit unsalted staff, I will not go into details about it.

Overall it was a magical night, the atmosphere surreal and the food just what we expected and wanted. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this!  
Again, go check the other fantastic things related to the @marrymerthurmonth, cause they are amazing!  
Special thanks to Melipedia for pushing me to write this and for giving me the food list  
Till next time  
Jo


End file.
